Because another month of this crap. Another MONTH, people!
4 cloves minced fresh garlic
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
2 Tbsp olive oil
1-28oz can of peeled tomatoes
1/4 cup vodka (plus more in various shot glasses while you cook. Oh, hell. Just drink it right from the bottle)
1/2 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp basil
1/2 tsp thyme
1/2 tsp black pepper
salt to your liking (me=none)
3/4 cup raw cashews
3/4 cup soy milk
Sizzle the garlic and red pepper flakes in olive oil over medium heat. Just before it burns, which it always does when I cook, dump in your can of peeled tomatoes, vodka and the spices. Do NOT make eye contact with all of those fresh tomatoes growing in your front yard.
Simmer over medium heat (the temp where the bottom does not scorch and yet the sauce still bubbles and splatters like molten lava) for 20 minutes.
Into your blender, dump the cashews and soy milk. Blend on high until the consistency of heavy cream (add more soy milk if needed. I use soy milk as opposed to other nut based milks because I like the thickness of it. Suffer with your almond milk, soy haters, if you must).
Slowly stir the nut mixture into your tomato mixture. Use an immersion blender, if you like, to buzz until smooth hoping that you are not too lit to avoid molten lava immersion blender splatters.
Serve over your favorite penne and weep openly into your napkin for the fate of our country.